There’s a special place in Hell reserved for the Discovery Channel executive who greenlit “American Chopper.” If your Monday nights don’t revolve around this dysfunctional group of bickering wrench-jockeys, you might not realize that Orange County Choppers have redefined the art of custom motorcycle building into a continuous argument over how to assemble endless variations on the same raked-out hardtail design.

The Teutul family, who never met a promotion they didn’t like, have now morphed their bickering schtick into a live-action cabaret. Mikey, the least talented family member, recently announced that Austinites will soon have the priviledge of shelling out cash to watch the OCC crew produce yet another “distinctive” chopper in person. Unlike the free version in heavy rotation on Discovery, the live show [Auditorium Shores, Oct. 27-29] will feature music and various motorcycle-themed displays. And I’ll wager that the guys might be coerced into selling some of their branded merchandise, too.

It has yet to be determined how the gang will manufacture their unique brand of conflict on stage, but rest assured that Senior will find some way to light into several cast members. Attendees should prepare to hear the following statements, repeated in varying forms:

• “This is unlike anything we’ve ever done before!”
• “Where the hell is [insert term of abuse / Paulie]?”
• “How are we going to make the deadline?”

Thankfully there is a charitable component to this hucksterism, with some funds going towards Brooke Army Medical Center in SA (this detail goes unmentioned on the OCC website). Despite the fact that the charity is organized by Ted Nugent’s cipher and features a laughably posed promo pic of Governor Goodhair, the auctioning of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle signed by 17 Medal of Honor recipients must still be considered a decent act for a worthwhile cause.

And unlike the OCC bike that gets raffled off, the Harley will actually be usable.