“Why is the Festival not moved to October?

We have to pick a weekend that doesn’t have other competing major events, such as a University of Texas home football game. Logistically, the city is incapable of handling both ACL Festival and other activities that draw a large number of tourists on the same weekend because of limitations on hotel capacity and downtown parking facilities. That leaves a narrow window of availability in late September through early October.

The traditional touring season for bands is May through September. By holding the event in September, we can route bands through Austin as part of their tours and get the bands we want that make our lineups the most exciting and diverse in the industry.”

Metroblogging correspondent Andy adds this:

I was busy hacking the ACL Festival site, and found this additional FAQ buried in a satirical folder:

“More ACL Fest in September? If the heat doesn’t kill me, the dust will. For the love of God, why?”

Caught between the “rock” of difficult bookings and the “hard place” of making thousands of people suffer, we at CSE of course choose “rock.” Sorry folks, but it’s an assload of money, and we really only know a few of you personally.

However, we recognize the inevitability of ever-increasing temperatures and dustbowl conditions at our annual festival. At current trends, the 2007 festival will experience 128-degree temperatures, leading to grassfires across Zilker Park and the spontaneous combustion of approximately 14% of paying customers (deadbeats listening from the Town Lake trail will incinerate at a slightly lower rate).

This presents an unacceptable bummer for the surviving patrons, but more importantly threatens to bankrupt ACL Fest faster than you can say “at least Aquafest was close to the water.” Our exceedingly lucrative deal with the City and ACL becomes much less profitable if we have to re-sod all 15 acres and pay out 27,000 flame-induced wrongful death suits.

But rather than treat this as a negative, we look to the same civic pride that drives Austinites to pay big irony-clad bucks for a corporate-sponsored “Keep Austin Weird” t-shirt. Since a tiny, inconsequential multi-million dollar event like ours couldn’t possibly attract acts after September, the only viable solution for maintaining an enjoyable festival is:

Immediately reverse global warming.

All we ask is that each and every ACL Fest attendee immediately stop using their automobile and walk everywhere from now on (except to next year’s festival, when we prefer that you clog the Zilker area like Jackie Gleason’s arteries). Patrons who re-forest the Amazon or halt Chinese industrialization will also receive two (2) complimentary passes to next year’s festival.

So c’mon Austin, quit whining about ACL Fest in September. Remember, the heat is really your fault anyway for all those styrofoam cups and aerosol cans you used LONG before CSE came along. Do yourself … and us … a favor, and sacrifice a little so that everyone can enjoy ACL Fest for years to come.